To Be Or Not To Be: A Diary Entry From A Non OCD Girl

I grew up with a father who had OCD tendencies or rather was definitely on the spectrum, but it was the 90s and you just dealt with your mental illness the best that you knew how, which was really not at all.  He once had a dentist tell him to stop brushing his teeth so hard because he had literally brushed the enamel off of them.  He would clean kitchen utensils, plates, so meticulously that he would break or crack them.  

So, yes, OCD was quite possibly a prevalent enigma in his life.

And I have tendencies too, believe me I do, although if you looked at me, the state of my house, my overall personality, you would have your doubts.

I decided quite a long time ago that I choose to not let a compulsion control my overall life.  I’ve struggled with regimentation before and I do feel better when I follow a schedule, one that is preferably printed and placed on the refrigerator to be checked off with a smile and a happy sigh of relieved accomplishment.  But it does do something to my mind, my overall well being.  It’s a rabbit hole that is slippery and quite lonely when the bottom is reached and I find that all that I really have when it is all said and done is my schedule, albeit a lovely one.

I thought about this as I was getting ready for our friends who are visiting from Southern California.  The rooms in my house have been speaking to me, begging to be straightened, perhaps even organized. And all I could do was stare down the mess.  Everything is clean, mind you just a bit unkept.  Once upon a time I did care, perhaps too much, but as I’ve gotten older it takes so much brain power to do all of that caring.  Or maybe it’s the fact that I know what it takes when the caring takes control and I don't like that version of myself.  I want to be a swaying wild daisy and not a prickly cactus.

I still have rules that I follow, they usually have to do with food and drink and exercise of course.  But even when those self regulated rules are broken I don’t spiral as much as I used to.  I now try to shrug my shoulders and move on with my day and not let the brokenness of said rule affect how I see and picture myself.  Maybe that’s growth?  Maybe that’s adulthood and all of its tired energy?  Or maybe it’s the fact that I do recognize a negative tendency and have gone to great lengths to remedy the situation?  Or maybe it’s that I’ve realized how short this life is for us humans and I don’t want to waste a precious second of it worrying about something that has so little consequence to so many.

I really do hope our California friends do not mind a cluttered household.  I made sure that they have clean sheets and clean towels of course.  And besides, I would hope that they are coming to visit because of the company and not the accommodations that are offered.  I really do believe the latter is at play.  I am sure we will share in laughs and tequila, lots and lots of tequila, and after awhile the disorder will not be so important if order is what is indeed important for what will be remembered is the stories and the smiles and all the good times.

• 

•