An Introverted Guide To Living

I don’t understand when there are moments in my life where I can in fact easily talk to people.  Like actually approach someone or a bunch of someones and hold a conversation, be engaging, and then walk away without obsessing about what could have, would have, should have been.  And then there are those other moments when a dark cloud hangs directly above my head and it prevents me from doing all the above.  I feel like an Eeyore in those moments during one particular episode I remember well.  Do you remember the one I'm talking about?  It was his birthday and he thought no one remembered, which he was partially correct in the assumption.  The entire episode he trudged along with a small storm cloud raining above his head until he was celebrated, after Winnie the Pooh realized his mistake, and then his entire attitude changed for that particular moment.

I feel this way most days and I don’t know why.  Do I need to be celebrated to boost the confidence that I lack and then I can actually step out of my shell and bloom again?

I went to yoga this week.  And I have been going to this studio for quite some time, so I have gotten to know quite a few people there, even spent time outside of the yoga studio with said people, but on this particular evening I was hoping I wouldn’t in fact see anyone I did know.  The week has not been a kind one to me, my emotions have not been kind, my consciousness has not been kind, so being alone, attempting poses under a guise of invisibility really did seem like something that was much needed.  

As soon as I stepped into the studio my gaze fell upon a young, beautiful girl who was lying on her mat.  Her hair was slicked and pulled into a flawlessly high position.  Her skin was clear and her stomach was flat.  She turned and looked at me as I entered.  Her perfect lips curled into something ugly and I could see as her eyes looked me up and down that I was being judged. If the dictionary ever needs an example of someone giving someone else the stink eye, they need only to take her picture in this moment.  I hurriedly if not awkwardly looked away from her glare, picked out a yoga block, forgot to grab a towel in my haste, but didn't want to dare go back to the supplies, which were scary close to her and her looks.

I then scanned the studio for a free place to sit and recognized a girl I went to a pool party with a month ago, and actually had coffee (with several other people) as well.  Should I say hello? I thought. I probably should, actually I know I should but for the life of me I couldn’t think of her name.  Was it Terry, or Marissa, or Amy or Clare?  I landed on Clare and was 95 percent sure that I was correct.  I’m embarrassed to say I'm even friends with her on IG, but names have never been my strong suit.  They fly out of my head as quickly as they inhabit it.  

I walked over, prepared to tap her on the shoulder, give a slight wave, and then my part would be over.  I did my due diligence; she wouldn’t then report to the other yogis that I know how unfriendly I was, but then, I thought, would she expect more of a conversation and what would that entail?  Would I be the one who would have to carry the subject matter forward to other topics?  And what if I couldn't think of anything else to say? What then? I began to mull this all over in my mind and promptly chickened out and laid my matt diagonally behind hers.

Great, was my next thought.  She will surely see me at some point in the class.  Why didn’t I move to the opposite side of the room? I asked myself. Because I didn’t want to be near that stink eyed girl, I did know that much, but then why didn’t I move further back?  My thoughts spun, my heart raced, and then class began, although all I could think about was the conversation that was most likely to take place after and what I would need to add to it.

Class eventually did end.

“Hello beautiful,” she said with a wave.

“Hi,” I awkwardly waved back.  “How has your week been going?” My words ran together, begging, needing to be let out of the prison that my mind had held them in for the last hour, but it did do the trick.  We did have a conversation and I’m sure it wasn’t as awkward as the one that I saw taking place in my mind.

I quickly left the studio, once the talking was over, trying my best to get out of there before she could catch up with me and then I would be forced to begin again.  Sometimes people talk to me and all I can think about is how the conversation is going to end.  Am I going to be the one who has the last word or is it going to awkwardly fizzle out?

The whole ordeal actually wasn’t an ordeal at all; it was pleasant; she was pleasant.  Someone that I could see myself being friends with; a really cool person, so why did I have anxiety about the whole thing?  Was it because my confidence was at an all time low? Or was I intimidated by her? Or was it the stink eyed girl that got into my head and made me feel like something was wrong with me?

It’s probably little bits of all of those things, mixed together, put into a package, and then forced into my mind in the form of anxiety.  I will tell you this much, dear reader, if you see someone that you know and they don’t say hi to you, please don’t take it personally.  They may just be going through something, lost inside their own mind for the moment, and I will tell you, from experience, that is not always the best place to be, so be kind.  Maybe shoot them a wave of your own and calling them beautiful always helps.