Being THAT GIRL

What do you do when you’re not THAT GIRL? 

You know the one 

She gets recognized amongst strangers

nails the job interview or audition

that she barely wanted and didn’t prepare for

has her very first TikTok go viral

without really giving a damn

and then

gets the literary agent after writing her first book

without it going through a plethora of edits

rewrites

and lots

and lots

of

self loathing 

Maybe I'm exaggerating

but

there are times

like this week

where I really don’t think that I am

It’s been one of those

  not end of the world

  should count my blessings

but 

each rejection stings as badly as the last

  kind of weeks

I don’t feel seen

or

heard

I write a blog that very few people read

(and if you are reading right now, I am beyond thrilled, so thank you)

I post on social media to less than 100 views and one like

and one unfollow

I wrote a book that no one wants to read

(yes, I’ve had volunteers, but they never ever get back to me)

and the literary agents who have read my words have rejected them

I think the last rejection I got said the story wasn’t captivating enough

and doesn’t that just sum up the person

I am

The non captivating sort

I don’t know why this is surprising to me 

I have never been the one that everyone flocked to

because 

of the fluff in my hair 

or 

the rosiness in my cheeks 

or 

my witty remarks

It’s a confidence thing I fear, something that I have always struggled to obtain

and if I ever have it

to maintain

It’s quite disheartening this lack of confidence

Although

I do have other things that I’m good at

being self aware

is one

having empathy

is another

But

that all empowering confidence is what I wish that I could muster

I wonder if my diffidence comes across in my writing

and

that’s why the rejections are piling up

I wonder if my insecurity comes across in my social media presence

and

that’s why my views and likes are so low

I wonder if my timidity comes across in the writing of this blog

and

that’s why my readership has waned

Probably is my answer

to all of the above

I know I need to embrace the confidence that I lack

Dive deep into it

until it’s comfortable

cozy

and unapologetically me

Because that’s who I really am

anxious

insecure

writer

reader

friend

animal mother

wife

the antithesis of THAT GIRL.