Trimming The Fat

It’s my favorite type of humor…the self-deprecating sort.  It may hit a little too close to home at times, the truth being hidden, perhaps even buried between a kind of reality and an imaginative one.   The types of people that don’t take themselves too seriously are the ones I enjoy the most.  They can make fun of the one thing or the many that bothers them about themselves.  The time they fell up the stairs because they got too distracted by the air, wind, or just people in general.  Or the time an entire day was spent with spinach shoved between their front two teeth and the day of course was one of those important jam packed ones with evaluations, interviews or perhaps even a date.

Or maybe it’s just the person who I am that likes to surround herself with others who are similiar.  I’m the one who will always mispronounce the word, wear the sports bra backwards, get the stain on any article of clothing including a book, iPad, purse, hand, foot…you get the idea.  It all makes for good fodder once the embarrassment has healed somewhere between yesterday and today, but when is it all enough?

I ask myself all of this because I have trouble embracing the person who I am on all the days that end with the letter y.  I don’t know where it comes from, although I have my suspicions. I began to research about this idea of one person being a certain way when another is not and there have been studies done about such things, mainly looking at twins.  The Minnesota Study of Twins Reared Apart is one that comes to mind. They took identical twins separated at birth, and studied them throughout their lives. It was revealed that they did share surprising similarities, even when raised apart. But it was also found that they experienced significant differences.  I briefly read about other studies and they all had the same conclusion.  Yes, genetics do play a huge part in the forming of a personality, how you see yourself in the world, but so do friends you meet, an illness that you may have had, slight parental differences.

But all that still does not answer my question.

As long as I can remember I have never felt completely enough in my own skin.  Always focusing on what I didn’t have, instead of embracing who I was and loving myself for it.  My sister, on the other hand, raised virtually the same way, never seemed to have much of a problem in this particular area.  Being the one to accept each compliment with a demur look that said, “Thank you very much, but I already know how wonderful I look.”

All of this brings me to the start of a new year.  A reflection, a hope that maybe one day I will grow past what I can never change about myself: the too large belly, too long forehead, hair that grows at a snail's pace, fingers that are chubby, speech that is awkward, introvertness that is crippling, a brain that refuses to react how I wish that it would, and instead walk a bit taller, more relaxed with a brow that attractively arches and believe, really and truly believe that I am that person who stops a room with just one look, one word.

I always have these grand ambitions to reinvent myself, but is that really necessary?  Maybe the person who I am is enough and I don’t have to revert to different characterizations.  I can actually hold onto the confidence that always feels like it’s slipping through my fingers like some sort of devilish fish.  Believing is half the battle I often tell myself; faking it is as well, but you know how I feel about faking shit.  I believe in authenticity, even though that’s coming from a person who prefers her characters over her own self, so maybe authenticity is slightly over rated.

But I will tell you one thing that I am going to promise myself in the new year.  People that do not serve my narrative do not deserve to be around me.  My time, my conversations, my person is something that is deserving and if it’s not honored, then I’m not here for it.  So the thing I am doing in 2026 is trimming the fat from my life. Only adding the meaty fulfilling sustenance that makes me feel worthier, happier. And if that means I disappear for awhile, prefer the company of the people that really get me, my two cats, one dog, my books, my thoughts lost somewhere between my brain and the computer screen, and let’s not forget my multi step skin care routine that has now become an obsessive habit than so be it because that is unapologetically me.