Deep Thoughts From A Girl On Vacation

The other day I was sent a video by a friend.  An older woman sat behind the screen.  She was adorned with a chunky brown necklace and even chunkier brown earrings.  She was lamenting the fact, almost despised it actually, the people who refer to her as granny because of her age. She didn’t have children, she said proudly, and has in fact never regretted the decision to not have children.  She would much prefer the title of bitch, even witch would be better than the dreaded word granny.  I wonder if it’s the connotation of all that word implies?  I could tell she was not one to go along with the latest trends, one look at her and you could tell she gave two shits about how she was perceived by the world and the people who reside in it.

How very freeing, I couldn't help but to think. She isn't afraid to say who she is without fear of judgement, without fear of retribution.  In contrast to her, I’m the type of person who will express my opinion, on those rare days I feel a bit feistier than others, but then I will feel bad that I was too forceful, too original, just plain too much.  Did I offend? I cry to myself. Or anger the person that probably needed to hear the truth anyway.  But will they even understand the truth for what it is?  Should I even waste my time?  Is it even really worth all of that worry when I know what inevitably comes later. Feelings of sadness, of remorse for what I said. A regret and a resolution that I have a hard time coming back from because it refuses to leave me, makes me apologize over and over again for something that I didn’t really do in the first place.

How did that woman get past all of that, I wonder. Is it just time that filters the feelings away? When I become older, am I going to suddenly have that practiced skill of owning who I am over and over until I’m blue in the face and ready to be red again?

And here’s another thing.  Why can’t I now express my concerns, opinions to others, to myself.   Fuck the ones who have trouble understanding….fuck the ones who don’t understand to begin with…fuck the ones who are selfish and insecure in their own right and don’t know how to behave in normal society, away from the imbeciles and nitwits.  Should I lower myself to their standards because of their close proximity? Or should I rally? Behave in the ways of normalcy without the constraints of my mind weighing me down like a overly heavy pendulum.

I don’t know really what the answer is….which is typical if you’ve read this blog long enough.  But I do know what the answer is not.  It’s not believing in the type of people that tell you one thing and then do the other, promise you one thing and then do the other, compliment you one way and then do the other, love you one way and then perform the other.  It’s not that.  Honesty when told correctly, without a sharpened anger or cutting judgment should not feel negative, but an understanding of what you should have known from the very beginning.  And that’s good, isn’t it?  Right, isn’t it?  It’s what makes us grow as human beings, so maybe not completely knowing myself isn’t such a terrible thing after all because I’m growing too, I’m learning too, I’m evolving too so that I can become the best version of myself.